The Founder
Patricia Crane Ennis, LMSW holds a Masters in Social Work from Syracuse University. She has worked in various family and marriage-related agencies in a variety of part time capacities for over twenty-two years. She has done extensive research in the field of marriage skills and counseling and, in partnership with the Roman Catholic Diocese of Syracuse, created The Third Option program. She and her husband have been married for over 50 years, and now are enjoying retirement.
Leadership Team
The current Leadership team of Third Option International, Inc. consists of former TTOI director Andrea Buckley, her husband Mike Buckley, and Susan and Randy Pinto.
Over the course of many years, Mike and Andrea have guided The Third Option program into becoming a successful relationship program through the Good News Center, a Marriage and Family Center in Central New York. They have been involved in marriage programs, including Retrovaille, since 1976.
Sue and Randy Pinto, who first attended the Third Option program in 2011, quickly became involved in a mentoring capacity of the program.
In 2019, Sue and Randy joined with Mike and Andrea to navigate The Third Option International into the social media, and virtual realities of today.
Mission
Third Option International inspires and encourages people to build healthy relationships in their marriage, family, work place and community by accepting responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, choices and behaviors.
Vision
We believe in God and his desire and power to heal marriages. We believe that people can and do change. Healthy relationships need work daily and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. As a peer program we offer support by modeling relationship skills, sharing what we have learned, but not telling others what to do. We encourage and challenge growth but acknowledge that each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own life. We hope that our future will be one of better marriages, healthier families and stronger communities.
The idea of The Third Option grew with Pat Ennis’ personal experience with a close friend. The seeds were planted in their many conversations over a period of several years.
In Pat’s words…
In the early 1980s I had a dear friend in the midst of a marriage crisis. Although I was well aware of the divorce statistics, and in fact I knew many divorced and divorcing couples, now it had a personal impact. Besides, both were intelligent, caring, well-educated people of faith. Why couldn’t they “get it together”?
I could tell they were searching for something they couldn’t find. They wanted their marriage to be permanent but didn’t know how to make it work. My friend kept asking, “Where is the church when you need it?”
Hearing their story, I believed their marriage was in serious but not irreconcilable trouble. But they eventually lost hope and divorced. I found myself asking: Why couldn’t they make it work? What could their church have done to help? What was it that they needed, they never found?
I then recalled something else my friend had said. As it became known that she and her husband were having problems, acquaintances would come up to her and say, “I just want you to know that my spouse and I had troubles too and worked them out. We are praying for you.”
Eventually the answer began to take shape: what hurting couples need most is HOPE. For too long they –we all– have heard the bad news. For too long we have been told that if you are having serious problems, get a divorce. It’s quick and easy…and inevitable. Some go to counselors but give up quickly. Some go to counselors who tell them to quit. What couples need most, is a belief in the enduring value of marriage. They need to hear from others who have been through difficult times and made it. They need to know it is possible to work it out. Stories from “sharing” couples can give them insight and hope. Such couples can give them the GOOD NEWS.
Finally, one day I sat down and wrote a proposal. It talked about the fact that we are inundated with the bad news and need to stop saying that if you are separated, divorce is inevitable. We need to tell them there are three options: enduring a painful marriage, divorce and WORKING IT OUT. We needed to put out a large net and catch people in crisis and draw them away from lawyers and into support.
The proposal called for a support group with “sharing” couples. But eventually, I sensed there was still a piece missing. We had to give couples more than hope. We had to give them HELP, too. Most couples simply don’t know the skills needed to have a good marriage. So, I added 14 skill-building workshops.
And so, The Third Option was born. It took nearly 4 years from the proposal to the group, but it is now growing around the country and elsewhere!
We are heartened by our progress and delighted to be able to offer this program to your church.
Patricia Ennis, MSW
We believe in the value of marriage and desire to promote its growth and reconciliation wherever necessary and possible. Although we recognize that all marriages cannot be “saved”, we believe many more could be with preventive or crisis intervention. We believe marriage partners from time to time need to ask for help and support and that to do so is a sign of strength, not weakness. We believe in the value of professional counseling and advocate it. We also believe in the value of support and encouragement of “wounded healers” who know our pain, who do not judge us, and who support our efforts at reconciliation.
When marriages are in serious trouble, we acknowledge the legitimacy of separation. We recognize that it can at times be therapeutic and at others times is mandated for one’s safety and/or well being. We do not believe, however, that separation has to inevitably lead to divorce. Separation is sometimes a cry for help. Separation is always a critical time and as such should be treated with crisis intervention. Actually, separation can be the place where true reconciliation can begin.
While we realize couples who are separating need to see a lawyer to understand their legal rights and protect themselves, we advocate the use of a mediator wherever possible to work out the details of the agreement. We believe that mediation is more congenial, less threatening, less adversarial and therefore has the most potential for reconciliation.
As with any serious matter, early detection is preferable. Therefore we believe in publicizing the early warning signs of marriage troubles and promoting early intervention.
We believe marriage represents an enormous investment and a spiritual journey. We believe divorce is painful, expensive and never really ends. It is to be considered a last resort for resolution of marital difficulties. We are convinced that reconciliation is in the best interest of both spouses and their children, if there are any. We encourage all avenues be exhausted before a divorce is finalized. We believe reconciliation is very hard work but no more work than a divorce; that it is painful but no more painful than divorce. We observe that most couples who think they have “tried everything” have usually tried the same thing over and over.
We eschew “false reconciliation” which is no more than a denial of reality and/or one partner doing all the giving and calling it reconciliation. We believe reconciliation, worthy of its name, is based on mutual respect, reciprocity and flexibility in a relationship and urge a minimum of 3 months professional counseling before a couple reunite under one roof. True reconciliation cannot be rushed or faked.
We believe a healthy marriage needs work daily. Work on a marriage ideally is on the part of both partners. If, however, one of the couple is unwilling or unable to work on their marriage at a given time, we support the partner who cares and is willing to work. However, this partner must understand that the work to be done is his or her own. Spouses must be willing to work on themselves, not their partners. Rather, we can change ourselves and “ask God to bless it”. We believe that people can and do change. We have seen it happen to ourselves and our own relationships. We believe that change on the part of even one partner can sometimes free the other to change.
We encourage and support both or even one partner to ” stand on the line of reconciliation”** for a period of six months after a crisis has been identified in their marriage. We encourage them to slow down, consider all options, grow and learn. However, we do not advocate that one person hold up a relationship forever. It takes two to make a marriage work and we acknowledge that there are no guarantees. Therefore, there are no failures for those who have tried. And the growth one experiences through the support group will prepare them well for any eventuality.
We believe in sharing what has worked for us and how we have grown. Still, we recognize no one’s situation is exactly like ours and no one completely understands another. Therefore, we will share what we have learned but will not tell others what to do. We will challenge them to grow but acknowledge that each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own life.
Finally, and foremost, we believe in God and his desire and power to heal marriages. We acknowledge our powerlessness to change our partner and our dependence on this God of our understanding to change us. We surrender ourselves daily to His counsel and our partner to His will.
©Copyright 1988, Roman Catholic Diocese of Syracuse. All rights reserved * J. Allen Peterson, from Myth of Greener Grass, ** Jim Talley, from Reconcilable Differences