Help Yourself

Ways to Nurture Your Marriage

I knew what they meant. They didn't want to be like almost 50% of couples who end up divorced. I was pleased they had asked because many couples think, "It can't happen to us." Alas, it can and does.

But it doesn't have to. Not if we nurture our marriages. Here are six simple things couples can do to keep their marriages thriving:

1. Say something nice to each other every day. Tell you spouse what you like about them. Over time, build up the positive so you have 5 parts positive to 1 part negative. A story in "Chicken Soup for the Soul" tells about a husband who started thanking his wife for his "magic sock drawer." Somehow he always had clean socks. Gradually he showed appreciation on more and more occasions. At first his wife was suspicious but eventually she began thanking him for things, too.

2. Make a point to really listen to your partner. Don't be like the husband who bragged, "I just let it go in one ear and out the other!" Pretend you are a reporter trying to get the whole story. Ask, "Are you saying...?" or "Do you mean ...?" until you understand.

3. Spend at least 30 minutes a day talking. It could be the first half hour you are home or on a walk after dinner or the half hour before bed. If one of you is away,

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talk over the phone. I know couples who have an early breakfast together, who e-mail each other or tape record messages back and forth.

4. Do something fun at least once a week. Remember fun? One couple told me, "We used to go out to dinner and talk but it got expensive so we stopped. Now we are in counseling for communication problems and it's costing a fortune. Maybe if we had kept going out to dinner we would have saved money!"

5. Prioritize your marriage. One of the top complaints of spouses is "my partner puts the kids or career ahead of me." Careers come and go and kids (let's hope) grow up and leave. Pay attention to the concerns and preferences of your spouse. If you're listening, you'll know what they are.

If you feel the marriage slipping, do something immediately. Read. Attend adult education classes. Go to a support group. Ask your doctor or pastor to suggest a good counselor, with credentials, who specializes in marriage and shares your values. And, go early. Don't let little problems become big ones. If necessary, go alone. (Just be sure your counselor is pro-marriage.)

A marriage is like a garden. It needs a little tending. If we ignore it, weeds grow. But, if we nurture it, the rewards are great. Nurture your marriage. Not only will you be glad you did, your kids will, too!